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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25821676">Enjoying the Moment</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stay_Frosty/pseuds/Stay_Frosty'>Stay_Frosty</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Book of Mormon - Ambiguous Fandom, The Book of Mormon - Parker/Stone/Lopez</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Established Relationship, First Time, Hurt/Comfort, Kevin Price Needs a Hug, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Sexual Assault</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 02:00:14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Rape/Non-Con</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,822</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25821676</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stay_Frosty/pseuds/Stay_Frosty</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>He was not going to think about him right now. There was no way Kevin was going to let that man take something else from him. This was different. He was safe. The boy straddling his lap was Connor - his sweet, kind-hearted, gosh darn beautiful boyfriend who he loved more than life itself - so why couldn’t he just chill the fuck out?</p>
<p>Or, an exploration of Kevin's thoughts during what was supposed to be his first time with Connor.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Elder "Connor" McKinley/Kevin Price</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>56</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Enjoying the Moment</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>me? projecting my own issues onto fictional characters instead of finding a healthy way to deal with them? </p>
<p>...of course. </p>
<p>apologies if this isn't the greatest, it's the first time I've written something that centred around just Kevin and Connor and it's more of a vent fic on my behalf, but if you do read i hope you enjoy. </p>
<p>I tagged mild sexual content to be on the safe side but this is more of a hurt/comfort fic than it is smut</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> Kevin desperately wanted to just enjoy this moment.  </em>
</p>
<p>He had been in a relationship with Connor for just under seven months at this point, and while they had decided that it was best to keep their relationship private, they had been the best seven months of Kevin’s life. The couple were yet to progress past cuddling and the occasional chaste kiss when they thought nobody else was looking, but Kevin was more than content with that arrangement. </p>
<p>Although tonight. he felt that would all change. Arnold was staying the night with Nabalungi, meaning that Kevin would be spending the night alone - another arrangement he was okay with, but Connor took it as an opportunity to sheepishly suggest that they spend the night together as well. Kevin had agreed, his idea of ‘spending the night together’ being watching a Disney movie and then sleeping next to one another. His stomach dropped at his boyfriend’s shy, but flirty smile, realising that Connor meant something very different. </p>
<p>It made sense<em>, </em>after all; they were teenage boys in a serious relationship and were no longer restricted by the rules of the church. Of course, Connor would want to move forward from their very tame love life at some point or another, but the thought hadn’t even crossed Kevin’s mind. Not in a positive way that is. </p>
<p>Connor wore a rosy blush as he wished the other elders goodnight, heading into Kevin’s room instead of his own. Apart from a few suspicious glaces, none of the other elders said anything about it. Elder Thomas and Elder Church, sitting together in the corner of the living room, were entirely passive as they were aware of the arrangement beforehand - using Chris and Connor’s suddenly empty room to their own advantage as well. The knowing smirk that Chris sent Connor intensified the redhead’s crimson cheeks as well as the knot in Kevin’s stomach. </p>
<p>After he was led into his own room like a puppy, Kevin perched himself awkwardly at the end of his bed. His throat suddenly felt like sandpaper, but he had little time to dwell on that problem as Connor climbed into his lap. Kevin wasn’t sure whether or not the added weight on his thighs was the grounding force that he needed or whether it was sending his brain into even more of a frenzy. Currently, he was leaning more so towards the latter. </p>
<p>Ever so gently, Connor’s fingers ran through the strands of his hair, scraping his scalp with delicacy, and the motion was just enough to calm the butterflies in Kevin’s stomach as their lips connected. Kevin didn’t have a clue if he was doing this right. He had lived a sheltered life and had been hidden from any form of sex education, except of course, from the part that said it was a sin. That ideology still made his stomach coil even if he had broken a few rules from the church already.</p>
<p>Needless to say, he was utterly clueless. The only form of experience he had himself was, by far, the worst thing that had ever happened to him.</p>
<p>
  <em>He could still feel the General’s unrelenting grip on his wrists and in his hair as he- </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>No. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He was not going to think about him right now. There was no way Kevin was going to let that man take something else from him. This was different. He was safe. The boy straddling his lap was Connor - his sweet, kind-hearted, gosh darn beautiful boyfriend who he loved more than life itself - so why couldn’t he just <em>chill the fuck out? </em></p>
<p>He was pulled from his thoughts as Connor tugged desperately at the strands of his hair, experimentally rolling his hips against Kevin’s. The redhead allowed a breathy moan to escape his lips before he connected them with Kevin’s once more. Kevin placed his hands awkwardly just above Connor’s waist, unsure of where else to put them, but the shorter man didn’t seem to have any qualms about it, and if anything it encouraged him to move his hips all the more. </p>
<p>His boyfriend’s insistent, yet gentle tongue grazed across Kevin’s bottom lip, eliciting a gasp of surprise which Connor seemed to mistake for a moan of pleasure. The shorter man pulled back, his cheeks a beautiful shade of pink as he removed his fingers from Kevin’s hair and began to unbutton his shirt. Kevin watched with wide eyes as Connor’s nimble fingers slowly worked on undressing him, and he wasn’t sure he was ready to be this exposed yet. </p>
<p>“No temple garments, Elder Price?” the redhead playfully teased. </p>
<p>Kevin blushed and wordlessly shook his head. He had stopped wearing his garments after the General and his men had mocked him, <em> humiliated him, </em>about them. It wasn’t long after the event that Kevin realised he couldn’t even look at a pair of Mormon underwear without wanting to hurl. </p>
<p><em>It’s just Connor, </em> he desperately reminded himself. The hands on his chest were gentle and loving, not forceful and rough like that of the General’s or his cronies. Kevin closed his eyes, hoping that he could mentally escape the situation before Connor noticed that anything was wrong, but that only made it so much worse. Without being able to see Connor’s adoring, <em> blue </em>eyes, his brain supplied only the dangerous, mocking brown eyes of the General. </p>
<p>
  <em>Why couldn’t he just enjoy this? </em>
</p>
<p>Though he tried to slow down his breathing, the short gasps of air he managed to take were shallow and barely filled his lungs. His dizzy, clouded brain was pulled away from its frantic voice by Connor’s gentle voice. “Is this okay?” he checked. </p>
<p>His boyfriend’s voice was like warm honey: soft and cosy and understanding. His tone was filled with nothing but adoration for Kevin. This was his opportunity to tell Connor he needed a minute, or maybe that he wasn’t even ready at all. Connor would understand. His lover would smile and tell him it was okay. Connor would do whatever he could to make sure that he felt safe and okay so <em>why couldn’t the words leave his mouth?  </em></p>
<p>Foolishly, Kevin nodded. </p>
<p>Connor smiled lovingly as he removed the rest of Kevin's shirt. He paused for a few moments to stare at his boyfriend’s exposed chest, and Kevin had to fight the urge to cover himself up as he noticed the glint of arousal in his lover’s eye. </p>
<p>Firm fingers pushed him down onto the bed. Kevin tried to slow his breathing before it became clear to Connor that he was nothing short of hyperventilating, but his careful inhalations were raspy and shuddering. </p>
<p>It seemed that Connor hadn’t noticed, as he began to press gentle kisses into the crook of Kevin's neck. <em> Finally, something he could work with</em>. The General’s mouth had gone nowhere near that area and Kevin found himself relaxing into the new sensation. The small gasp that left his lips as Connor’s teeth gently grazed the skin of his neck was one of pleasure rather than fear, and Kevin was surprised at how good it felt. </p>
<p>His lover’s hand eventually began to wander, trailing down his sides and rubbing gently at the smooth skin along his waist. Kevin wasn’t sure what to feel, but he was somewhat content with Connor’s careful fingers gracing the soft flesh of his stomach like he was marvelling at a piece of expensive china. </p>
<p>
  <em>Just breathe. </em>
</p>
<p>He felt Connor's hand continue to travel, teasingly and agonizingly slowly until goosebumps began to form on Kevin’s skin. “Can I?” the redhead whispered when his fingers finally reached the buckle of his belt. </p>
<p>Kevin nearly choked on his own spit. </p>
<p>He wasn’t ready. The fact that he was shirtless made him feel vulnerable enough. It made his skin crawl and he wanted nothing more than to wrap himself into a cocoon and never have anyone see him so exposed again.  </p>
<p>Stupidly, he muttered: “you still have your shirt on.”</p>
<p>Hey, maybe he’d feel better if he wasn’t the only one exposed. <em> Or maybe you're stalling</em>, his brain supplied. </p>
<p>Connor giggled softly and moved his hand away from Kevin’s belt to undo the buttons of his own shirt. His movements were slow and deliberate, trying to tease Kevin perhaps. If only he knew that it was working, but not in the way he was anticipating. Regardless, the action gave Kevin some time to regulate his breathing, which he was thankful for. </p>
<p>“Is that better?” Connor teased, his tone light and playful. </p>
<p>Despite his nerves, Kevin couldn’t help but take a moment to admire his boyfriend’s body. His pale chest was smooth, save for the freckles that littered the skin, and Kevin suddenly felt the urge to trace some of them with his finger, like he was connecting the dots. Without realising, he lifted his hand. </p>
<p>Connor smiled down at him, his face filled with nothing but awe and adoration, and Kevin’s heart flipped at the sight. What did he do to have someone as perfect as Connor look at him like he hung the stars in the sky? Why couldn’t Kevin just show him that he loved him in a way that most couples do? </p>
<p>
  <em> Was he really so broken that he couldn’t even stand to be intimate with his boyfriend? </em>
</p>
<p>Kevin looked up at the redhead and forced a small smile, nodding. Connor took the go-ahead and quickly moved his hands back down to Kevin’s belt, beginning to unbuckle it when his boyfriend’s breath hitched. </p>
<p>Connor stopped immediately, moving his hands away from Kevin's belt without a second thought. “Are you okay?” he asked, slowly lacing their fingers together. </p>
<p>Kevin suppressed a whimper at the question. His boyfriend’s voice was soft and saturated with so much concern that Kevin could have cried. With more than he had intended, he pulled his hands out of Connor’s and used them to cover his face as the tears he had been forcing down since they started began to burn against his eyes. He choked back a sob as his pulse quickened. There’s no way Connor wouldn’t question this. They’d have to stop and Connor would find out just how broken his boyfriend really was, that he couldn’t even pleasure him without breaking down and then maybe he’d leave him and Kevin wouldn’t even be able to blame him and- </p>
<p>“Kevin?” Connor said gently. “Sweetheart, what’s wrong?” </p>
<p>Kevin choked back a sob. “I’m sorry.” </p>
<p>He’d messed it up. </p>
<p>He’d messed <em>everything </em>up. </p>
<p>Tonight was supposed to be special - not only was Kevin going to show Connor how much he loved him, but he was going to prove to himself that the General didn’t have control of him anymore. He had succeeded in neither. </p>
<p>All he wanted was to make Connor feel <em>incredible.  </em></p>
<p>Connor, none too gracefully, climbed off Kevin’s lap in favour of kneeling beside the bed. Kevin could feel his boyfriend’s eyes burning into his skull and suddenly felt even more exposed than when he was undoing his shirt. The brunette gasped and flinched away from the gentle hand that had reached for his arm. </p>
<p><em>It’s just Connor</em>, he reminded himself. </p>
<p>
  <em>It’sJustConnorIt’sJustConnorIt’sJustConnorIt’sJustConnorIt’sJustConnorIt’sJustConnor</em>
</p>
<p>“Kevin?” </p>
<p>Connor’s voice was soft, but Kevin could tell that he was worried. </p>
<p>He was frightened and confused and Kevin couldn’t even force himself to look up and assure him that everything was okay. </p>
<p>“Honey you don’t have to be sorry. Can you take a breath for me?” Connor’s voice wavered only slightly as he said the words, but they were gentle and loving and exactly what Kevin needed. Kevin forced himself to nod and tried to follow along with Connor’s exaggerated breathing, but his breaths were shaky and short. </p>
<p>When he forced himself to look up from behind his hands, he noticed that Connor had taken the time to put his shirt back on and had gently placed Kevin’s beside him on the bed. “I’m sorry,” he whimpered once more. </p>
<p>“Shhh, you’re okay,” Connor cooed gently from beside him. “You’re safe.” </p>
<p>It seemed that was the word that Kevin needed to hear. He was <em>safe. </em> It was Connor, he was safe with Connor. If he was safe with <em>anyone</em>, it was Connor. </p>
<p>“Is it okay if I sit next to you?” he asked gently, and Kevin found himself nodding. The bed dipped as Connor took a seat on the edge of it, scooting over when Kevin moved along to make room. Kevin moved his knees up to his chest, hugging them and hiding his face while his boyfriend sat beside him helplessly.</p>
<p>“Do you want to talk about it?” Connor asked, unsure of what ‘it’ actually was. Kevin stayed silent beside him. ”you don’t have to, I just-”</p>
<p>“I was assaulted,” Kevin whispered, and if the room hadn’t been so horribly silent Connor might have missed it. Kevin’s insides twisted as he uttered the words. He hadn’t told anyone this before, not even Arnold. </p>
<p>“Oh,” was all Connor managed to say in response. After a few moments, he made a quiet sound of distress and carefully put an arm around Kevin, giving the brunette plenty of time to move away if he needed to. “Oh sweetheart, I am so sorry.” </p>
<p>“I wanted to be good for you,” Kevin whimpered, feeling utterly pathetic as he did. He choked on another sob with embarrassment. “I wanted to make you feel good.”</p>
<p>Connor sighed, hugging Kevin closer and laying a head on his shoulder. “Kevin, you <em>do </em>make me feel good,” he insisted. “You make me feel loved, and warm, and special. We don’t ever have to do anything...y’know if it makes you uncomfortable.”</p>
<p>Kevin whimpered. "I didn't want him to be able to take this away from me too," he admitted quietly. When Connor didn't say anything, opting instead to rub gentle circles into Kevin's back, he continued. “I wanted to be able to do this for you.” </p>
<p>“Kevin, listen to me,” Connor soothed. “I love you. You don’t have to do <em>anything </em>for me. I’m so sorry if I made you feel like you had to force yourself.” He looked down at his hands. “I just didn’t know, I thought you were into it.” </p>
<p>“You didn’t force me. I wanted to.” </p>
<p>Connor huffed a nervous laugh. “Baby, you’re<em> crying </em>.” </p>
<p>Kevin groaned in frustration, wiping his eyes furiously. “<em> I know that,” </em>he snapped before breaking off into another convulsing sob. Connor shushed him softly as he ran a careful hand down the brunette’s sweat-slicked back. </p>
<p>“I hate that I can’t give you what you deserve, I’m so broken I can’t even love you properly and-” Kevin coughed, spluttering on his tears. “I’m so broken I can’t even have sex with you-” </p>
<p>“Kevin, baby, you’re spiralling. Take a breath,” Connor soothed, interrupting. “You aren’t broken, you hear me? You went through something <em> awful </em>that you did not deserve, you’re allowed to hurt.” </p>
<p>Kevin’s entire body shook as he tried to force himself to breathe. </p>
<p>“Do you-” Connor paused, biting his lip and considering how to word his next question. “Do you want to talk about it?” </p>
<p>Kevin shook his head. He didn’t, not right now at least. He’d tell Connor everything one day, but right now he was tired and everything ached - he wasn’t even sure he could form words. </p>
<p>“Alright,” Connor accepted without question, although his concern was still evident in his tone of voice. “I’m proud of you,” he added gently. </p>
<p>Kevin looked up and tried to ignore the way Connor was eyeing him with pity. He couldn’t blame him - he probably looked a mess. “Proud of me for crying?”</p>
<p>Connor chuckled despite himself. “No,” he assured. “Proud of you for telling me, even if you aren’t ready to go into detail. You’re so strong Kevin.” </p>
<p>He didn’t feel strong. He felt weak and pathetic. Useless. Broken. Ruined. Used. </p>
<p>His throat burned as he broke out into another hysterical sob, finally meaning into Connor’s touch. “I’m here,” Connor cooed, wrapping his arms around Kevin fully, bringing him into his chest. He could feel Kevin’s wet, sticky cheeks against his neck and his heart tore. </p>
<p>“Can you still stay here tonight?” he heard Kevin whisper. </p>
<p>Connor frowned and only held onto him tighter. “Darling, of course, I will,” he assured with sincerity, and Kevin felt somewhat foolish for even asking the question. “Do you want to get some rest now?” </p>
<p>Kevin nodded, realising with a yawn just how tired he was. It seemed relying solely on one hour of sleep per night, give or take, and endless amounts of coffee wasn’t a permanent solution to exhaustion. </p>
<p>The bed dipped once more as Connor laid down next to him, keeping an arm open for Kevin to curl into. Kevin rested his head against Connor’s chest as the redhead’s gentle fingers combed through the strands of his hair. Finally, feeling safe and loved, Kevin allowed sleep to take him. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He slept the night through for the first time in months.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>again, I'm so sorry that this isn't my best work, it was originally just a comfort fic and not something I was planning on uploading :)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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